remember me, special needs..

I have quite a few nick-names/handles for myself. For my many facets. To sort of display this to the world.
Perhaps the one I like most, it the one I am so quiet and private about

Little Miss Retrospect

As it appears, people always love me or appreciate me more in retrospect. When I have been pushed to the point that there is nothing left. No love. No hate. Just a bitter indifference as that is all I am capable of giving. When I have been drained of all my love, my hate and everything in the middle. When I have invested all the emotion I can. And though I try to fashion myself a sarcastic ice princess at times...truth be told it takes quite a bit. I may not be forgetful, but I am forgiving. I see the good and the special in the most disgarded, disgraced people. Yes. I will see your light. When all others including yourself are putting you down, or making you ache, I will be there. I will pluck out your best points and force you to see them. And I will do it and believe it with all of my heart .... But there comes a point....

Soul preservation ya know. I have to keep a close watch on this ol heart o mine. So the song goes, right?


Oh silly one. Do you not realize, with every foolish choice, every time you make my heart question you or your motives I take two huge leaps backwards??? I back away from you. And one day, should you continue I will be gone. Leaving you there alone. To follow in the foot-steps of so many before you. So many I adored, cherished and would have given anything for. Just asking a little more effort....a bit more sincerity in return. Not fear, not worry, not anguish. Just to feel a bit special...like the work and the emotion were not just tokens. Not in vain.
It is not what I want..and it does hurt truth be told. But to feel like an afterthought..is just the cruelest sting of them all. I do not let go or back away to be mean. I just am left with no other option.

Little Miss Retrospect...yes...title suits me well.. Very very very well...

someone out there, remind me to stop loving and caring for others..really please...tie up my heart and wrists..I don't care

image of the ash-tray girl...





"Remember me when youre the one whos silver screen
Remember me when youre the one you always dreamed
Remember me...special needs..."

"This is my final fit, my final belly-ache with..."

My room is clean, albeit cluttered/cramped. I cannot do much about that other than have a total fit and throw it all out the window.
But at least it is better than it has been in some time.

I have stocked up on certain "provisions" including notebooks...for various purposes to get myself on track. Fine...so be it. I have to be super anal and outline my goals and schedules and duties and whatever the fuck else.
I cannot stand myself at the moment and have to put my foot down in the most strict, demonstrative fashion I can.

I started with the room. The place that needs to be my sanctuary and what not.
Now I have to get back on track with certain things

Do or die. So help me God, heaven, karma, and whatever else.
Before I explode.


I just walked to the ampm market near my home and picked up a 24oz thing of coffee, a couple packs of strawberry fusion gum, a 20z bottle of diet coke and last but not least a box of djarum blacks.
I got a deer in the headlights look from my favorite cashier.
Yes I am an addict of sorts. This is what I am, this is what I do. This is the method to my madness and the means to my end.

Now I sit with my iron will, and Thom Yorke, Modest Mouse, and The Who keeping me company.


A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal

"this is your life, ending one moment at a time.."

Don’t ask me how I am doing
If you are not prepared to hear
How I am really feeling
Point blank, loud and clear

Cause I am so tired of pretending
And living day to day
And going through the motions
While the time just ticks away

Cause I need something a bit deeper
Some meaning to my life
Not just hiding in the shadows
Trying to make art of my strife

It may just be a running joke
But I have my best shoes on
And I am tired of chasing dreams in circles
Through both night and the dawn

I am not looking for someone to save me
Or even lead the way
But take the time to understand
Just each and everyday

So if you think you want the job
Leave your card at the door
Just please be truly earnest
I not ask but must implore

"just nod if you can hear me....."

I wish I could love blindly,
with wholehearted, concerted trust.
I wish I could love passionately,
not just with desperate, fleeting lust.
I wish I could communicate freely,
my soul an open book.
without a moment's reservation,
or a frightened, questioning look.
I wish I could fuse the knowledge I have now,
with the simplicity of a child.
and replace all this disenchantment
with a heart so much beguiled.




"Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become
Comfortably numb."

love is an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt......

If I say I hate you, or that you make me mad, and then run and hide
the English translation is I really really like you stupid and really the one I hate is myself for having such feelings.
And can we fast forward to the part where you leave me a withering mess like those who went before you, and like those who will go after you when despite myself and my better inentions I get caught in this wicked game once more

I hate myself for such weaknesses. I try to fashion myself the perfect ice princess but now and then a few slip through the cracks. And I care a little too much and it it out of control.




where oh where is that kid with the chemicals. And is there a perfect chemical to train me not truly not care. A chemical that could forever vanquish that part of my being? I can take a little anxiety, I can handle the mood swings, but can they make a pill to stop you from that which is your true demise?


someone stop me from listening to this crappy song..please?

Your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it & you'll ask yourself...

Just one question
Why is it so hard to just be happy?
I mean total pure, untarnished bliss?

Honestly it shouldn't be quite so complicated.
It came so easy at one time...
and it didn't even require alcohol or anything like that either.


Spending the weekend watching Ghost World, Laurel Canyon, Fight Club, Office Space and American Beauty has done no more than futher my current disillusionment.

But at least I smirked for awhile.

I'd always have the right to be living in the kingdom of the good and true

I am pretty sure I have used the graphic above in some shape or format in this blog. It is just on my mind as someone brought it to my attention.

Forget Morrissey and his cry to please let me get what I want this time..

Someone please protect me from all that I want. Make me tell you exactly what or who it is. Make me write down every last thing, idea, person, etc. If I say I don't know, somehow force it out of me. For it is bound to hurt me. Be it person or thing. I have a penchant for pain and playing with fire. I just will not stop. Don't be fooled by thinking it is determination and enthusiasm. I am bound to hurt myself in pursuit of attaining what I want. There will emotional and physical agony. Save me from myself. I also lack proper judgement. I do not see what is good and what is bad. I cannot find the grey area. I will go to extremes.







Is it any wonder that I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
oh, these days

"everytime just like the last..."

Happy Birthday to:



The lady on the left...circa..I don't know...before I was born..she was 21 in that picture


Thank you mom for giving me your sass, your warped sense of humor, your bitter determination and various other things.
For all those that like me or just like your girls a little on the rebellious, devil my care sort of side...wish her a good birthday. She passed that part of the DNA into my body and here you go, here I am...


speaking of sass...I have more than enough of that as well as every other mood at the moment. Everything is depressing me, the people I care about make me hurt in places I cannot see and I just sort of want to run and hide from it all. Consequently, I lack the motivation and such to write something for you of substance. I apologize...let me retreat to the corner and hide...maybe someone will miss me..
then again maybe not. I really honestly do feel pretty much like everyone's fall back crutch/last resort in best of times...and just even more so of late...

anyhow..


failed attempt to look glamourous and pretty number 20374082028





but I do have a certain hollywood tragedy thing going on..

Dear Ryan

stop stealing my music and putting in on your myspace
haha j/k take this