Nothing Gold Can Stay

remember me, special needs..

2006-09-06T04:58:00.000-07:00

I have quite a few nick-names/handles for myself. For my many facets. To sort of display this to the world.
Perhaps the one I like most, it the one I am so quiet and private about

Little Miss Retrospect

As it appears, people always love me or appreciate me more in retrospect. When I have been pushed to the point that there is nothing left. No love. No hate. Just a bitter indifference as that is all I am capable of giving. When I have been drained of all my love, my hate and everything in the middle. When I have invested all the emotion I can. And though I try to fashion myself a sarcastic ice princess at times...truth be told it takes quite a bit. I may not be forgetful, but I am forgiving. I see the good and the special in the most disgarded, disgraced people. Yes. I will see your light. When all others including yourself are putting you down, or making you ache, I will be there. I will pluck out your best points and force you to see them. And I will do it and believe it with all of my heart .... But there comes a point....

Soul preservation ya know. I have to keep a close watch on this ol heart o mine. So the song goes, right?

Oh silly one. Do you not realize, with every foolish choice, every time you make my heart question you or your motives I take two huge leaps backwards??? I back away from you. And one day, should you continue I will be gone. Leaving you there alone. To follow in the foot-steps of so many before you. So many I adored, cherished and would have given anything for. Just asking a little more effort....a bit more sincerity in return. Not fear, not worry, not anguish. Just to feel a bit special...like the work and the emotion were not just tokens. Not in vain.
It is not what I want..and it does hurt truth be told. But to feel like an afterthought..is just the cruelest sting of them all. I do not let go or back away to be mean. I just am left with no other option.

Little Miss Retrospect...yes...title suits me well.. Very very very well...

someone out there, remind me to stop loving and caring for others..really please...tie up my heart and wrists..I don't care

image of the ash-tray girl...

"Remember me when youre the one whos silver screen
Remember me when youre the one you always dreamed
Remember me...special needs..."

"This is my final fit, my final belly-ache with..."

2006-09-04T10:49:00.000-07:00

My room is clean, albeit cluttered/cramped. I cannot do much about that other than have a total fit and throw it all out the window.
But at least it is better than it has been in some time.

I have stocked up on certain "provisions" including notebooks...for various purposes to get myself on track. Fine...so be it. I have to be super anal and outline my goals and schedules and duties and whatever the fuck else.
I cannot stand myself at the moment and have to put my foot down in the most strict, demonstrative fashion I can.

I started with the room. The place that needs to be my sanctuary and what not.
Now I have to get back on track with certain things

Do or die. So help me God, heaven, karma, and whatever else.
Before I explode.

I just walked to the ampm market near my home and picked up a 24oz thing of coffee, a couple packs of strawberry fusion gum, a 20z bottle of diet coke and last but not least a box of djarum blacks.
I got a deer in the headlights look from my favorite cashier.
Yes I am an addict of sorts. This is what I am, this is what I do. This is the method to my madness and the means to my end.

Now I sit with my iron will, and Thom Yorke, Modest Mouse, and The Who keeping me company.

A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal

"this is your life, ending one moment at a time.."

2006-08-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

Don’t ask me how I am doing
If you are not prepared to hear
How I am really feeling
Point blank, loud and clear

Cause I am so tired of pretending
And living day to day
And going through the motions
While the time just ticks away

Cause I need something a bit deeper
Some meaning to my life
Not just hiding in the shadows
Trying to make art of my strife

It may just be a running joke
But I have my best shoes on
And I am tired of chasing dreams in circles
Through both night and the dawn

I am not looking for someone to save me
Or even lead the way
But take the time to understand
Just each and everyday

So if you think you want the job
Leave your card at the door
Just please be truly earnest
I not ask but must implore

"just nod if you can hear me....."

2006-08-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

I wish I could love blindly,
with wholehearted, concerted trust.
I wish I could love passionately,
not just with desperate, fleeting lust.
I wish I could communicate freely,
my soul an open book.
without a moment's reservation,
or a frightened, questioning look.
I wish I could fuse the knowledge I have now,
with the simplicity of a child.
and replace all this disenchantment
with a heart so much beguiled.

"Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become
Comfortably numb."

love is an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt......

2006-08-21T05:43:00.000-07:00

If I say I hate you, or that you make me mad, and then run and hide
the English translation is I really really like you stupid and really the one I hate is myself for having such feelings.
And can we fast forward to the part where you leave me a withering mess like those who went before you, and like those who will go after you when despite myself and my better inentions I get caught in this wicked game once more

I hate myself for such weaknesses. I try to fashion myself the perfect ice princess but now and then a few slip through the cracks. And I care a little too much and it it out of control.

where oh where is that kid with the chemicals. And is there a perfect chemical to train me not truly not care. A chemical that could forever vanquish that part of my being? I can take a little anxiety, I can handle the mood swings, but can they make a pill to stop you from that which is your true demise?

someone stop me from listening to this crappy song..please?

Your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it & you'll ask yourself...

2006-08-20T17:05:00.000-07:00

Just one question
Why is it so hard to just be happy?
I mean total pure, untarnished bliss?

Honestly it shouldn't be quite so complicated.
It came so easy at one time...
and it didn't even require alcohol or anything like that either.

Spending the weekend watching Ghost World, Laurel Canyon, Fight Club, Office Space and American Beauty has done no more than futher my current disillusionment.

But at least I smirked for awhile.

I'd always have the right to be living in the kingdom of the good and true

2006-08-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure I have used the graphic above in some shape or format in this blog. It is just on my mind as someone brought it to my attention.

Forget Morrissey and his cry to please let me get what I want this time..

Someone please protect me from all that I want. Make me tell you exactly what or who it is. Make me write down every last thing, idea, person, etc. If I say I don't know, somehow force it out of me. For it is bound to hurt me. Be it person or thing. I have a penchant for pain and playing with fire. I just will not stop. Don't be fooled by thinking it is determination and enthusiasm. I am bound to hurt myself in pursuit of attaining what I want. There will emotional and physical agony. Save me from myself. I also lack proper judgement. I do not see what is good and what is bad. I cannot find the grey area. I will go to extremes.

Is it any wonder that I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
oh, these days

"everytime just like the last..."

2006-08-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to:

The lady on the left...circa..I don't know...before I was born..she was 21 in that picture

Thank you mom for giving me your sass, your warped sense of humor, your bitter determination and various other things.
For all those that like me or just like your girls a little on the rebellious, devil my care sort of side...wish her a good birthday. She passed that part of the DNA into my body and here you go, here I am...

speaking of sass...I have more than enough of that as well as every other mood at the moment. Everything is depressing me, the people I care about make me hurt in places I cannot see and I just sort of want to run and hide from it all. Consequently, I lack the motivation and such to write something for you of substance. I apologize...let me retreat to the corner and hide...maybe someone will miss me..
then again maybe not. I really honestly do feel pretty much like everyone's fall back crutch/last resort in best of times...and just even more so of late...

anyhow..

failed attempt to look glamourous and pretty number 20374082028

but I do have a certain hollywood tragedy thing going on..

Dear Ryan

stop stealing my music and putting in on your myspace
haha j/k take this

It's fine the way you want me on your own, but in the end it's always me alone

2006-08-18T05:57:00.000-07:00

There was a distinct chill in the air as I stepped outside a few moments ago. A very unsummer like crispness hit my skin, causing me to hug my arms across my chest even tighter than normal...

Of course summer is quickly dying as autumn comes once again. It is sort of curious how I adore fall so seeing that is embodies death in a way...the plants die and leaves fall...here in the bay area it sort of comes with one last stand...we get this faux summer like heat wave sometime late september-early october until fall at last wins..

But then perhaps this is because I hold everything and everyone with a velvet glove...I am always saying good bye or letting go or trying to push things I find myself caring about away to protect myself from the inevitable fall out..

So I am sort of like fall then, am I not?

I forgot how much I like this song..oh youtube, you are my true love

"I had a vision I could turn you right
a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
my heart is black and my body is blue"

indeed.....

I also keep getting spam emails from various companies proclaiming "Ephedra is back order now"
and sadly part of me almost wants to contemplate ordering the stuff
I both miss my Kate Moss body as well as being to accomplish everything rather than feeling futile and worn down. I really just want to feel pretty/above average and accomplished again...just for a few minutes...and sadly part of me would risk anything or go to extremes to attain this.

wanna put my tender heart in a blender

2006-08-17T05:42:00.000-07:00

People dissapoint me
by and large

near and far
the idiot masses
as well as those I love

of course I also dissapointment myself, but for whatever reason I expect that. I will always pick myself appart

But just for once...I would like some person to come into my life and not break my heart and soul into a million pieces

Just once...

I was given a big fat thumbs up or whatever for putting this damn song on my myspace profile..so well go ahead and listen

when I was a kid I thought, I wanted all the things that I haven't got

2006-08-14T06:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really just wish
I could be my own best friend
rather than my own worst enemy

It might be nice......

the nasty, self deprecating voices have been especially loud of late
Of course they have good reason to be
Or do they?
I don't know...
but perhaps I wish I could borrow someone's eyes and mind and take a look at myself..the inside and the out..to see what others see

maybe I would be a bit more forgiving, a bit kinder...

shut your mouth how can you say I go about things the wrong way?

2006-08-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

So lame. I need to come up with something of consequence to think about and put into words. Lately my life has taken a pattern of come home from work, throw clothes on pile on the floor or bed...put on a tank top and underwear and pass out on the couch, floor, or zone out in front of the computer. Not quite the same level of disturbing of Desperate Housewives or Stepford..but quite distrubing nonetheless

and twice lately I have fallen asleep talking on the phone? Now what the hell is that shit? Waking up with the phone in your rib cage...hmmm

And I need to get off my lazy butt and start running again)(or some sort of exercise so I can stop scowling at them mirror)
and start creating

and although I never want to quite be as angry and tempestuous as I was a decade ago..I really could use some of that girl back. The girl that was stupid enough to drag her but into mosh pits and flip off guys twice her size and yell and scream

I am still stubborn and all but a bit too passive for my taste lately

must stop...

my mom named me Shelby cause I was conceived in the back of said car

ok not really but that would make for a good story

"Stock car flamin with a loser and the cruise control..."

2006-08-09T05:10:00.000-07:00

These truly are the dog days. The days when life feels so bound and determined to kill
Which I guess it is...I mean we are born dying. It just seems of late that my day to day existence is trying to speed up the process by sucking out my soul. And given that my soul is actually as important if not more than the literal heartbeat of my physical body I am so sad and disturbed by it all and frustrated about not being able to fight or change it.

When we are little the "so long as you try it will all be ok/work out for the best" or "you have done all anyone can really ask for" sort of philosophy is hammered into our little heads time and time again. Always the perfectionist, this was of little comfort to me. It is even more so now, when it seems the more I try the more I fail and I am like a hamster on a treadmill, a rat in a cage...a more tortured animal in some fifties psychological experiment. Just when does it end? When does my life get to the "I am OK now, really I am" stage? When do I stop feeling like an outcast, and useless and restless and lonely?
When? Give me an exact time and date and I am so there. Marking in one of my notebooks. With a big colorful pen. I will drop all other plans..seriously..

I am in the "I want to run away" mode yet again. But where oh where is the question?
My home does not feel like home but it is the only home I know and I don't really have anywhere to go...

This life will make you damn ugly

sunburn went away in time for bruises and a then to wake to a bite of something or another on my face

"You cant write if you cant relate..."

"girl you've got to change your crazy ways.."

2006-08-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

The party/baby shower I attended over the past weekend saved me the terror/horror of being forced into a family type function. My godmother/mother's friend had a party for her parent's anniversary and seeing that I have not seen them for a good 8 or so years was invited to attend as well.

Thus I was spared all of the "so are you seeing anyone/married" "tell me all about your exciting job" "what have you been up to"
type questions that make me want to crawl into a hole forever and ever.

I can only pray my mother and grandparents kept my silly embarassing stories to ones under the age of 21.

Oh her crazy rebellious little girl. Maybe there is hope that one day she will stop dating fools, and settle down. And actually find a job she loves.
And there could also be peace in the middle east

I would like a place I could call my own....

2006-08-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

Why must it all be so complicated??
Although I am prone to day-dreaming I actually have quite simple needs and requests.
To have a job that neither stresses me out nor bores me to tears
To not live in fear of not being able to meet my basic needs
To have just simple conversation and company with people that understand.
Yet I always feel like I am running in circles and never getting anywhere...

Despite working so hard
And annoyed by the fact that people that ask so much more yet put such little effort have all
their wishes granted

Stop the ride...I want to get off.... The spinning is making me sick

"I've been away but now I'm back......."

2006-08-07T05:33:00.000-07:00

So long time no write
Well for me anyway

You know the drill by now

Work been kicking my ass
Life been kicking my ass

so much to say yet so little time and so little inspiration to put my feeling into some sort of eloquent form

rinse and repeat...

ya want a silly picture..you got one

don't leave a bored and highly unphotogenic girl alone with a camera
or bad things happen
Could be worse. I could have been drinking and/or encouraged by the likes of Shane and Ryan when really bad things happen.

Anyhow... remind me not to leave the house without sunblock. Especially if I am going to parties near the damn beach. My neck and knees are killing

and remind me to win the lottery so I can take off for who knows where and not come back. Don't worry. I will post my exploits here. Cause I know you wanna know all about my so called salacious life.

JAMC and Hope Sandoval...can it get much better???

"I'm not living, I'm just killing time...."

2006-08-01T05:55:00.000-07:00

August. Another month begins already as yet another dies.
The pace of life is getting all too frightening for me.
Soon my Sunday paper will be stuffed full of ads and coupons for Thanksgiving and Christmas and the fan that sits in my room will be replaced by the space heater.

It scares me how quickly time passes and how I get caught up in the process of surviving and not always truly living. And as each year goes by it bothers me a little more. For I feel still so childlike at times, although I am reminded that is really not the case. I have a perpetually adolescent soul, and a doe eyed child face, but nevertheless the clock keeps ticking. Tuck Everlasting/Dorian Gray this is not.

Things and people on my mind these days. Sleepless nights as my mind contemplates some very good and very unsettling. Emotions and thoughts I do not have the words for at the moment. Or maybe I am just in super secretive mode. Oh, I just wish I could slow the clock to figure it all out and what I am going to do and when and how rather than trying to also run and keep up with day to day life in the process.
Oh please oh please do not let me be out of touch with what is important simply cause the fight to be able to think about them in the first place is too tough

I need your grace to remind me to find my own

2006-07-31T19:56:00.000-07:00

I am in love.
Totally hopeless in severe love with this song

Seriously in love and addicted.
Can't stop listening
can't really explain it other than this is who I am, and this is what I do

yeah yeah yeah
even I can have my sappy ass moments

nothing really bothers her, she just wants to love herself

2006-07-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

It is just an act.
OK, perhaps act is the wrong word.
I just think people get the wrong idea. I project self confidence or so I have been told.
I am not shy in the least. I have periods of anxiety and nervousness, but shy is not really a word to describe me. I am straightforward.
I take risks, and go after things I want full force.
I speak my mind, defend myself and those I love with a fury.

But I am not really confident. I always find imperfections and am forever unsatisfied. My own worst enemy. I do not look in the mirror with a Paris Hilton like swagger. Not me. I am baffled and sometimes almost frightened by the fact so many random people want to talk to me. Or that I seem to impress so many friends and aquaintances. I just don't see what is so special in what I am or do.

I just happen to have a "devil may care" sort of way of living life. I have spent far too much time changing or allowing my sensitivities to be swayed by others. Including often those I trust and care for.

It is not so much I am confident, I just truly do not care what most people think. Those that love me will take the good with the bad, cause I do the same.

So there you have it. Just to clear things up.

"I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind.."

2006-07-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

So I am feeling somewhat better than I was the past few days.
Sadness come, sadness go. Again with no legit cause/rational explanation.
Far be it for me to be rational.

On one hand I really should just walk myself into the doctor and do something about fixing it. Give me my damn happy pills to regulate my mood swings. Make it easier on
everyone??

But maybe that is just it. What is stopping me. For I would not really be signing up to regulate my moods for the good of me and those I love but for all the idiot masses and powers at be. Surrender my angst and natural instincts to object/complain/work to change. It is so much easier to just take the status quo and be another drone/robot.

Oh fuckitfuckitfuckit.
I wear my angst well. I am sort of naked without it, and far be it for me to go walking around under-dressed.

Besides a great man once said

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."

and since I always need to object or complain in some way

how to drive a soccer mom wild???

Oh why..why why why do we need a cologne named after a damn Hummer. Even if it smells OK, just no. Please. No. Make it stop. Make it stop NOW!

"You had your chance, but now you've blown it....."

2006-07-27T05:43:00.000-07:00

(05.29.03 )

If I could somehow pluck your good qualities,
I would wrap them in a cocoon of our sacred memories,
the good ones, which now are obscured
back when things were simple, new, and pure
I would stick them in a jar, and place it on my window sill,
in the comfort of the sun that shines upon it
I would put on a favorite CD, hit repeat and then
hope it would tranfrom itself into something beautiful
so at least it would not be all in vain, or just a terrible waste of so much time

somewhere the ghost of what you were, or what I imagined you to be
and the shell of my former self, play and carry on, almost like characters
in a favorite comedic drama, again and again on sydicated TV for people
to live vicariously through

They say the line between love and hate is thin
Perhaps that is why you find my indifferance now so frightening
Without feeling you no longer control me.

"How are you feeling?
You seem a little sick to me now"

no hope no harm, just another false alarm

2006-07-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am thinking of implementing a weekly segment to this blog titled
"myspace creep/add request/message" of the week

As both a testement to my frustration as well as for general laughs.
Myspace is but a microcosm of the world at large. And a pattern in my life that follows me wherever I go. If I do not want it, it will find me, hound me, horrify me until I want to run and hide forever.
I have some sort of idiot pheromone I fear.

And you as why am I single?
And why I will likely be a cat lady one day. Hopefully I will at least have kick ass people in my building that will find me cool so I will not be totally lonely and miserable.

I have my own doll....hmm...maybe I just stick it out and wait for Spider-Man to save me anyhow

pick your pockets full of sorrow & run away with me tomorrow

2006-07-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

Sadness I have no use for you.
I do not know why you are paying me a visit.
Especially when you know I cannot and will not cry
go away please
I will take anxiety tugging at my ankles like a spoiled brat over the overwhelming, deathly grasp that you have on me
Just fuck off..

busting out my best woe is me, woe is the world, give me some sort of inspiration to deal with it all and don't ask me to explain what I cannot in the meantime tunes

staring at this damn screen trying to write is bullshit.
fuck it

Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this

"if (you) had a photograph of me (you) wouldn't spend (your) life just wishing..."

2006-07-25T05:48:00.000-07:00

5:40 AM and I am wide awake and fully dressed, ready to go and have already managed to walk around the corner to get my 24oz of hazelnut black caffeine to go.
Not early when I fell out of bed at like 420AM...no joke.. And when I say fell I mean literally. Rolled over onto the floor into a stack of books, journals and other junk.
heh..

Anyhow, yesterday started when I was startled out of sleep by one of those dreams thas is so damn vivid and detailed that for a moment you question it is real. In the dream I was so much as even sleeping, and the weather was similar to the muggy and intolerable conditions of late. I was even wearing my hair in the same fashion I am currently, I could see random things such as my candle on the dresser and the messy stack of magazines next to the bed. And the evil little person that likes to punish and torture herself in part almost wished I had not broke so soon. So perhaps I could have discovered the meaning to "boy you really did it this time, you made me mad and are going to get it"
But just as I went to respond I was interupted by that little voice that went
"This is just a test of your delusional dream system. If this was an actual emergency the dream you are having would have come with panic attacks and flight instructions"

So I rolled over and quickly checked my cell phone call logs both in and out to confirm that is was an actual dream..

Insert sigh of relief, play music of choice on subject and feeling of liberation and it was all good...well as good as it can be in my world..I cling to my instincts and somehow often do see my dreams as a forecast of things to come. So I am perpared now when something similar takes place in real life.
Oh just stop invading my dreams already will you. Please. I know it is all you have left to do, but please stop.

In other news I am in a horrible mood or beyond disgusted with myself the past few days. I care not to elaborate but something tells me the German part of my heritage is going to get all Nazi on myself and whip my butt into shape and structure. I cannot handle imperfections when I fall so helplessly out of line. No no no....it will not be..
Damn it Shelby, knock it off and knock it off now...

"I need direction to perfection....won't you help me out???"
"I don't care if it hurts..I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul..."

nevermind nevermind nevermind...let me crash and burn and have my little free fall and make it right again...

ugh...and back to the old routine. The montony of this life is going to kill me. I so need to change that...before I break.

I listened to "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol on repeat for about an hour last night

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

yes...pleasepleaseplease...
I need that angry little girl that wanted to kick ass and take names and not settle for this to come back to life 110 percent. Not the seventy percent or so she is currently of late...

"And the resentment rides high, but emotions wont grow.."

2006-07-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your chest, it opens your heart and means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different that any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didnt ask for it. They do something dumb like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isnt your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness.

I had to include that passge in light of Comic-Con being this weekend. What better than to quote my favorite Graphic Artist while speaking of love and also how someone with a mutual love of such things has done a great deal to sour my opinion of it..

But anyhow. One thing I get far far to often...Be it online, with strangers, at work, with friends is the well why are you single
I could do two things..
One I could get often more self deprecating. On a bad day I do...
But more often I am quick to spew my logic

I am just very picky

And when I say "picky" It is not at all what you may think. No I don't demand a vital chart with stats to check out weight and BMI. I don't grab him by the wrist to check out the brand of watch or Tshirt. Although physical attraction is important, I have always had my own idea of what is beautiful or endearing(so yes Brad Bitt would get kicked out of my bed)

But trying to find someone I can connect with in terms of both interests and out look on life is way way difficult. And almost frustrating and scary sometimes. I too often can find people that have a little bit of one or the other but not enough.
And so it goes. I hate bars and the like where I am suppossed to just sit and "mingle" When I cannot make or keep a conversation with anyone I feel a sense of almost fear. Wow, am I really that different? Maybe I just need to give all of this silly idealistic bullshit up and just find the most "ok" person that comes along and have my nice little house and 2.3 children and my Volvo and stop bitching about what band is bastardizing my favorite songs by covering them and sit around talking about IRAs all day long

But I sort of refuse to back down on my picky ways. I mean if I am going to get married or whatever, I do want it to be forever. Just once. And I know something like that is going to need a little more long lasting that just physical attraction and all that goes(wink wink) with that. Yeah I want someone that I can giggle and be silly with when we are like 85. I am going to live that long, just you wait. I will live that long or die trying. Hopefully I will always be surrounded by people that truly understand or appreciate all I think and feel.

"and now a little crush turned into a like..."

2006-07-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

It is too hot and vile to write anything new...so I give you the following from my past. It is always sort of interesting to sit and think how I have changed since my initial writings. So maybe you will get something out of it nevertheless

Original date of "publication" 4-20-2003

I sometimes think I prefer crushes
The feeling of anticipation
The exhilarating rush of adrenaline, that propels you into an adolsecentesque
Free fall, upon so much as a glance, a passing or random daydream

The sanctity and purity of it all… the security

Reality, drama and so forth have often soiled and soured my
relationships…and those
initial early moments I am left craving…an aching need.. The charade, the
chivalry, the game

For now my crushes will do…and I shall be more selective even in them..for
even fantasy
And daydreams should have in them that possibility or hope of something more. Deep down that is what I really want of course, but I have to also attempt to deprive myself. So now I am going to be super picky about those I dream and pine over. Maybe that will set me straight.

Hmm off to
Daydreams about night things in the middle of the afternoon..(wasn’t that
some old school country song?)
Yeah yeah yeah..wouldn’t ya like to know ‘bout who or what.. go ahead…try …

"Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak"

drunk girls should not take pictures

"This danger thrills and my conflict kills..."

2006-07-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

How is it that there are people that I have "known" for years and years, and thus
I should be able to say anything. Feel totally comfortable in their company
And yet it is not the case. I have moments where I feel like a stranger. And frustration ensues and the tears that refuse to fall sting my eyes. Has something changed or maybe did they really never ever know me?

And how is it, someone can suddenly come along and it is an instant undefinable connection?? I have the urge to tell that person everything, yet almost feel as though I do not have the need. It is already known. All of my secrets, my emotions, my dreams, my interests are exposed. Totally completely raw. Like an x-ray to my head and soul.
All at once it is frightening and comforting. Should I feel invaded or secure? How do you know all of this? How do you understand and feel the same way. But it is something I cannot ignore. No matter how hard I try to just push it away. How can someone you have known but a hearbeat know you so well and what does it all mean?

How is this? Especially with someone like me that has such a hard time opening up to people.

They say follow your heart
Follow it through
But how can you
When you’re split in two?

"I can't operate on this failure, when all I want is to be completely in command.."

2006-07-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

I could use shelter at the moment. Shelter of any variety. Literally and figuratively. Protect me oh protect me from the elements of the world. Protect me from myself and my mind.

It is vile and sticky hot and being dressed is uncomfortable and I am sporting a quasi Robert Smith look without even trying
But it is vacation time and even a misanthropic, anxiety ridden little misfit such as myself needs to make a go at having a good old time..

I am going to try and pick up some more art supplies for a scrapbook I have been saying I would make for someone and journals to write in..
Time to get serious about being creative again. I am flattered people read my bullshit here and livejournal and myspace and seem to think it is a bit more than bullshit
And perhaps I will think a wee bit more of myself if I start writing and creating again..

oh and yeah some othter kind of "art" of the permanent variety that I carry or wear on a daily basis..

(and please keep me from worrying about work, or thinking about it a million times between now and Tuesday when I go back. I give you permission to use slight force if necessary)

"She keeps on waiting for time out there..."

2006-07-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

blah.....

And what if I am but a damsel in this dress?

Pretty smile and sparkling eyes

Belying her duress.

And what if I am but a character on life’s merry little stage?

Forced to play a role of which I am uncertain

Like a rat trapped in a cage

And what if I am just like “anyone”?

Not so special after all.

Neither heroic nor unique and just

Destined to fail and fall?

And what if what I try so hard to deny

Is what I really need?

Will I just run in circles

Or surrender my desire to lead?

"You can change the chapter you can change the book, but the story remains the same if you'd take a look.."

2006-07-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

I am aching.
Aching to be significant and to do a little more.
The montony of my days just leave me open for getting into trouble.

Take that however you want.
Not to mention I just feel this huge void inside that I cannot fill. That "I am not good enough for anyone/anything, especially
myself" feeling pervades and is smacking me big time.

Given I have a few days off, mixed in with my optimal level of angst and insomnia perhaps the time is ripe to start writing again. Break out the candles and new journals and clove cigarettes(I swear one more pack and I won't have them again for....a few months, my willpower and stubborness will see that it is so) and the shot glass and just purge my soul till it is empty. The anorexic soul I deny feelings cause they get in the way, or scare me to death...that one. Those feelings buried way in...I need to sort it all out. I will not let myself cry cause I see it as a weakness and it gets in the way. The fact I care about people sort of scares me. And the fact little miss control freak cannot stop that as much as tries to push it away...well
I need to explore it all. Don't send me to a therapist, don't even hand me a pill. Allow me to suffer for the form of art and find the answer my way.

If I am going to feel so damn heavy and not sure what to do with all of it, I can at least use it for some good.

I am not alone in saying I make a good read. Even with all my self doubt, and what not I have always felt I have a good story. And perhaps all my ups and downs and all points and detours in between serve a purpose. Yet it is up to me to smack myself into action and turn them into something beautiful.

Or to die trying.
So be it.. Maybe I should post a list of options of things you might like to see translated into "ficticious" form.
I have so so many.

"waking up dreading tales of all my nighmares being true"

2006-07-19T05:04:00.000-07:00

Original date of "publication"
1.22.04 on my livejournal another thing I wrote in the middle of the night
and yes again semi under the influence of something or another

he crappy ass things you write when codeine induced nightmares wake you at 3:30AM

~

It hurts too much to love you
which is why I chose "goodbye"
But it also hurts to hate you
Though you gave me many reasons why
It hurts too much to remember
as those moments are laden with regret
But it hurts too much to cast aside
what I simply should try to forget

Inexplicably, you have entrenched yourself
in the deepest part of me
And though I move on with confidence
I cannot ever truly be free

I gave so much, so purely
though the means could not justify the end
When you betrayed me both as a partner
and deceived me as a friend

I really should finish that. I really should. Even if I have to be a macochist about it.

I also think my new knickname should be retrospect girl. The one the people wish they had kept in touch with. Or wish they had been nicer to. The after thought when it is finally to lates. I always get those sort of things. I guessed in a warped way it is better to be remembered?
And I really really need to not read the old emails to prove it.
I must stop that.

mmm snow patrol

a girl in need of a tourniquet

2006-07-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

The vacation I had been hoping for this coming Friday and Monday is not going to happen.
Well I will have the time off, but the company/change of surroundings and badly needed distraction just are not going to happen for more than one reason.
I am sad but there is nothing I can do so it is no good dwelling

So maybe it is time for liberation instead. I have lots of things I want to throw out, in particular that damn green storage box that haunts me. The vague reminder of my stupidity or feelings I just want to forget. I don't even care anymore if they are mine...I just hate them. I don't want to one day look back at it all..even the good parts. Even if I was to edit the sad parts..
I keep saying I want to be a robot, and unfortunately it is so often the truth. I resent my emotions. If I can teach myself not try cry, what else can I let go of? What other emotions that just do me no good...

To the dumpster or fire or whatever.

And maybe I will complete the purging the same way I did last time..
With a tattoo followed by drinking myself silly.
Sounds like a plan..

Maybe this time I will finally finally morph into that butterfly I have been saying I will "someday".... Just maybe, you have to hope.

cheers..

"If you could - save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone..."

"laughing with your pretty mouth, laughing with your broken eye.."

2006-07-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

So in the past two weeks my weekends have included drunken debauchary with two platonic males friends (and being placed on a high pedestal in the process) and nearing suffering a concussion and receiving a pretty bad eye injury in the name of rock and roll.
At least life is not boring? I ache, I have my continuous/ever present worries about things such as my car and yet I feel a bit more at ease and happy than I have in sometime.
I cannot explain it. I just sort of have to let it all go. Life in the present and soak it all up for what it is worth.

It will all be OK right? Send my panic attacks and paranoia on a vacation. Please...go ahead, go to Vegas/Hawaii...on me..
Just let me sort of revel in the little pleasures and take a child-like stance and enjoy life for a change.
I think that is fair..

Well, you didn't wake up this morning because you didn't go to bed

2006-07-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

I bought a subscription to Glamour Magazine via a school fundraising thing from one of the children of my coworkers
And this morning, in a haze of Friday night excess I scanned the headlines and sort of laughed at it all. The advice for things such as relationships and such.

But then again you are listening to a girl that has said it is her dream to be proposed to in Target. Yes Target. Not some fancy restaurant or park or whatever other traditional type setting I am suppossed to swoon over. We would just be shopping for our usual detergent and shit like any other time and being silly. Then it could just happen out of the blue. Maybe with something like a toy bracelet and have the guy say something like
Hey want to take on the world together and be my partner in changing the world and fighting the forces of evil

I really need to start acting my age
Or maybe not.
I don't know
Bethy dearest you hear me right? You don't think I am crazy and this would actually be cool
You are so my maid of honor when this happens. You know it

You could've done anything If you'd wanted
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories

That hold your life together ... like glue

"think..everyone that you've kissed..do they cease to exist when you stop being missed?"

2006-07-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

I can't please you. I can't please you. I can't please you.
I can't please you. I can't please you. I can't please you.
I can't please you. I can't please you. I can't please you.
I can't please you. I can't please you. I can't please you.
I can't please you. I can't please you. I can't please you.
I can't please you. I can't please you. I can't please you.
I can't please you. I can't please you. I can't please you.

I cannot win no matter what I do, or so it seems.

I cannot be all pure and squeaky clean and whatever else. The way some want me to bed
Yet I really cannot be on all the time and the perpetual party girl and life of the party and such.
The way others want me to be.
I find myself wanting to shy away altogether.
Fade away, drop off the earth, just be alone cause then I only have my own expectations to drive me mad.
Yes shyness can stop you from doing all the things you want to....Thank you Steven Patrick Morrissey....
But every now and then this feeling of being overwhelmed crashed on my head like a ton of bricks.

and I am so tired of trying to play roles and such
Maybe one day just being me will be enough

"if I could start again a million miles away..."

2006-07-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

That old CD player sits idle next to my bed. One of the few tangile memories I have of you, as in all the time I knew you the only thing I have to show is heartache.
It no longer works but somehow that nostalgic side of me holds on to it afraid to let go. And to be honest, at this point in my life I do not know what I am clinging to. Perhaps I am just trying to justify time spent. Or the memory of when things were pure even if it really did not last very long.
But it is time to start cutting chords. I already went through my old voice mails. And shut my eyes and hit "9" for delete rather than "7" for save

And I honestly need to take a huge plastic carton taking up space in my garage and occassionally upsetting me as I pass to the dumpster. Quick and easy before I have a chance to second guess.

The only thing I will keep are a few scattered photos, tucked away with other keepsakes. Out of sight and out of mind. Maybe one day I will need them for storytelling. But for now I need to really honestly live in the present. I am tired of the past damaging the here and now. And I am tired of always living for one day.
There is only today and before the moment passes I need to just be glad I have it for what it is.

'I need some help from a little love, I need some help from a little above..."

2006-07-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

words to live by????

As we grow up, we learn that even the ONE person that wasn't supposed to EVER let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
If you agree with this then please repost it.

Yep pretty much. If it were only that simple. It is always so much easier in my daydreams, and stories and in the advice I urgently give to other people.
Maybe I can learn to drink the same medicine I always so eagerly give to quell the aches and pains of others.
There is hope right?

"cause everything looks perfect from far away"

2006-07-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

Like a pretty picture in museum;
a keepsake in a cabinet,
a delicate fish in a tank

Close enough for me to admire you and take in and feel..yet not really feel
That is I like to "keep" you.
So I cannot break you
And vice versa...

Cause feeling is nice but only when under my control and when it starts to escalate and overpowers me I grow frightened.

stuff it down, stuff it down, it will go away I tell myself.
Concentrate on things, not on people. Get busy. And do it fast. Find something to take your attention away.
Or so I think. But it doesn't. And suddenly I am being led by the hand into what I see as danger. Just as I have all those times before. Oh all those times before are not your fault I know..but
my past prevents me from enjoying the moment for my instincts tell me I a little off in my decisions.

So please stay beautiful like those things. Stay close but not too close.
I do not trust myself with too much beauty anyhow.

So in a strange sort of way, fear and hesitation are my ultimate signs of respect.
For I must like or care a great deal if I back off.
Obviously my emotions are overpowering me and I just want to try and deny it all.
This goes for all relationships I make...in any form/variety.
It is just what I do..
I am always running. I get panic attacks and I play this hide and seek game.
I have sort of been hiding here instead of my livejournal cause too many people know me and I almost want to run away from the love and attention or whatever. I think Bethanne and Lauren maybe are the only ones checking in here religiously. And yes they are far away.
I wanted to run away on Saturday when a certain friend stuck me on a platform as one of the few people he trusted period.
Just please stop. The attention makes me sad in a way. It cannot last can it? Fast forward to the part where you leave me for something more exciting or special and break my heart.

Little ice princess

as I stepped into the bright sunlight

2006-07-11T07:37:00.000-07:00

Or what I thought was the bright sunlight I saw a huge full moon looming down on me. There to follow me as I walked barely awake and still fragile off to get my morning jolt of caffeine. I could not help but stop dead in my tracks. Right there in the middle of my quiet little cul-de-sac and just stare.

Perhaps it is the moon. As I am a moon child(cancer kid) after all
Or maybe it is the freaking hormones(oh man just make them give it a rest)
But I have been on edge the past few days. Maybe it will soon end then.

Haven't been especially happy with people(well not everyone just the idiot masses and they as always seem to frighten and cloud the good in my life) thelthe past few days. Of course I hide it as always under a careful guise of cynical optimism and my ever sarcastic banter and people think it is all good in my hood.
Sorry but the big bad wolf is banging on my head.

Or big bad girls making me ashamed to be a woman.
And old memories making me never want to talk to another guy again.
Oh yes, misanthropy there you are!! I did not forget you. I know I promised we would be best friends forever.

Or maybe I will just follow the moon.
Leave the sun following to the Beatles. I will just follow the moon till I get wherever I am going or honestly should be. Not quite sure where that is(literally or figuratively) but I gotta keep moving till I do....right?

I finally finished a letter/thank you to my father for his birthday gifts. I just hope his usual verbage and such that makes me feel empty and like crap does not come in return.
Sorry Dad, I am capable of doing that to myself. I do not need you to do that anymore. Please, just let it go.

"My head's a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops.."

2006-07-10T08:11:00.000-07:00

In my quest to be more organized I am finding more and more of my journals/notebooks with random things I have written. Everything from just moments of diary type soul purging to poems or concepts for short stories and the like..

case in point:

"Why won't you let me in there?" he asked touching his thumb to her heart

WIth a swirling motion, she all at once moved back-wards and then clutched at her chest, a mixture of horror and awe on her face

"because anyone, and I mean anyone that I have ever really cared about, that I have
ever invested anytime in and allowed inside has hurt me," and she continued after a rather long awkward pause.. "maybe I am trying to stop that from happening with us"

"I am sorry, I don't understand," he said puzzled

"Here it is...your made for TV moment.. Your photo in a frame.... your song.. As strange as it seems this is my way of saying I actually really like you. That I could even potentially love you.. and that I am trying to stop the inevitable from happening, from you breaking my heart and then there being nothing left of whatever we are. Besides I always preferred beginning to endings anyway.. Even to happy endings. When everything is pure and sacred and perfect. Maybe I am just trying to hold on to that..."

(to be continued)

I am sort of frustrated with myself in that I have so much unfinished. That story as well as soon many others. All these "to do" lists with nothing getting crossed out. Not that I fashion my writing as anything so special that I am guaranteed to be the new, young hip writer. The one all the kids list as their favorite on myspace and such.
But I would like to for once finish what I started. That is what I miss about school. The challenge and the satisfaction of working my butt off and having something other to show for it than a paycheck every 1rst and 15th and running to Target or Bev-Mo to "reward myself." I had something else and I need to somehow have that again in my life. Something is missing and I do not know what it is, but maybe this is it. It is worth a try.

But it is sort of unfortunate to truly write my best, I have to be almost morbid. For both the good and the bad, I really need to recreate the moment and get myself into the exact place I am coming from (that is if I am trying to draw from experience). I have to put on music, and whatever else and absorb the emotion of it all.
In the case of the "story" above I know the ending as well as all the twists and turns inbetween but I am not ready to go there.
And although I have it bookmarked it on my livejournal under "memories" and people on my friend's list ask me about it from time to time I have yet to work on it.

Please please please, give me some sort of focus or ability to do that. For a fear if I do not gain some sort of control that will be my pattern in life. Just hanging around and being fucking ordinary. And just always having these big dreams and goals but never getting to them cause I am too busy getting by.

How does that song go....
"I am not living, I am just killing time...."

"if I could do just one near perfect thing I'd be happy..."

2006-07-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

What is that saying about some people go looking for greatness and others have it thrust upon them?
Heavy is the head that wears the damn crown or tiara or whatever it is. Literally and figuratively speaking.

Being told such lofty things about how I am trusted and respected and on things such as elite list of "people that do not suck" is all at once flattering and frightening. How am I to hold up such ideals? How did I get there in the first place. And so it begins..think think think, worry worry worry.
you are going to screw it up. You are going to let them down. This is just temporary y'know.

I don't freaking know. How is it I can fix or please everyone else than myself? And how is it I can stand there and admire and accept other people as is no matter what, but soon as I look in the mirror or am left to my own devices that voice starts bitching at me.
Oh I can always find the faults. Even on the best of days. I set myself up for it. Sort of like playing with matches. It is all too alluring somehow.

"It's over now, I'm cold, alone, I'm just a person on my own.."

2006-07-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

I am clearly a masochist. I went through my livejournal in the memories section to find some of my random writings.

originally date of "publication"
11-25-02
likely in a stupor and haze in the middle of the night. Oh what a time in my life that was..

another drink,
one more pill.
whatever means
to ease the ill,
numb the pain,
fill the void
resurect
what you've destroyed,

dry the tears,
kill the ache,
patch the heart
that wants to break,

build my strength
so I feel less meek,
as I try to find
the love I seek

convince myself
its all ok
and it never mattered
anyway

****

and for the love of whatever someone tell me not to go through archive email files. Ones I once kept for specific reasons.
How quickly certain memories can flash before my eyes like some slide-show viewed on hallucinogens or something like that. My heart races, my head spins, my stomach churns in horror.
Awful

Just don't do it Shelby.

I should have been an architect, the way I build walls

2006-07-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

Including those around myself. Around my heart.
I heard this song today on my lunch hour. It has been awhile. But oh how it hit that jugular chord. For a moment I believe it was written just for me.

Whenever she's feeling empty
Whenever she's feeling insecure
Whenever her face is frozen
Unable to fake it anymore

Her shadow is always with her
Her shadow could always keep her small
So frightened that he won't love her
She builds up a wall

Oh no, she knows where to hide in the dark
Oh no, she's nowhere to hide in the dark
She's a star
She's a star

She's been in disguise forever
She's tried to disguise her stellar views
Much brighter than all this static
Now she's coming through

Oh no, she knows where to hide in the dark
Oh no, she's nowhere to hide in the dark
She's a star
She's a star

Don't tell her to turn down
Put on your shades if you can't see
Don't tell her to turn down
Turn up the flame
She's a star
She's a star

It's a long road
It's a great cause
It's a long road
Its a good call

You got it
You got it
She's a Star

"You were so in awe of me...you would do just anything to still be mine.."

2006-07-05T05:46:00.000-07:00

Is that you trying to contact me in your ever sneaky way? Are you thinking of me yet again?
I could be "romantic" or melodramatic or whatever else and hope it is. Ahh to be that girl Just like the movies. The one the guy yearns for an pines after and calls himself a fool for mistreating. He shows up under her window with a boom box or at her work with flowers and some lovely over the top music plays. Maybe it rains and the characters run though the drops.
But honestly I plea to the heavens and karma and all other supernatural forces that it is not. I really, really do.
For I have worked so so hard to achieve this indifference and I need it to last. For the sake of myself and for the sake of others. I do not love you, nor am I in love with you...but I do not hate you. No despite all the ups and downs and such I cannot spend my life hating you. I will not. I really do not want to live my life that way. No regrets. No wishing I could magically buy back those years on my calendar and start anew. It happened. No need to place blame anymore. Just let it go and move on.

But indifference. Back to that topic. A beautiful word. I hear your name and it does not cause the tremors and turmoil that is did in more recent times. Nor does it cause the pitter patter feelings when we first met.
All those emotions need to be saved for someone else. Or someones else. It is only fair. I close myself off time and again out of fear but I think I have turned the page and I want to keep writing and giving people something worth reading rather than rehashing the past. Or I am bound to happen upon a soul even more sensitive than myself who will see my cues as lack of caring or interest and cause them pain. I do not want to do that. I will not allow thoughts of the past make me do this.

Think what you want. I will always care, I will actually always want the best. I just cannot tear myself up anymore.

heaven is cold, without any soul, it is hard to believe I was so in love with you

from the cradle to the grave

2006-07-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

If I was to ever get married..and have any sort of reception I want this song to be played. I finally decided that. I live in a state of perpetual daydreams and such thoughts are what keep me going. Even though my mother has told me to run away to Vegas/Reno if I am to get married seeing that she and my father cannot be in the same room. She says she would not want that angst to spoil my day. But sometimes even an unconventional quirky sort like me has to revel in the more common. And when I do, I hear this song playing at the reception. Well it beats the hell out of some other crap like the damn macarena or whatever they play at such things right??

If any guy could give me a "highway with no one on it.."
I would follow him to the edge of anywhere. Seriously. Keep the diamonds and all of that. An open road, free of assholes putting my life in jeopardy?
Just me and miles and miles to drive with the wind going through my hair all care-free? Wow..now we are talking. Now I feel special. You know my anxieties and want to keep me from them.

So there you have it. The key to to my heart. Talk to Cal-Train and clear out 101 for me and I am all your's lol.

But I adore that song. I am not sure if it is cool or uncool to like U2 anymore but that song will always be one of my favorites.

big bang baby

2006-07-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

Independence Day...curious word.....honestly it is.
I am dreading today for despite my age, despite my distance I really do not have independence from some of the shackles I try so hard to break out of.
My brother will show up bearing gifts of the paternal variety (my brother lives up in Santa Rosa with my father)
My Dad will have a few choice gifts but even more choice words. My father is so crafty that way. Of bringing me up for a minute to then to bring me crashing down. To layout a timeline of my life and all the choices I have made and to make me feel like a failure.

Yes I made mistakes, but I want to sometimes just scream where were you all those years? I did not know you from about 8-21. At what point do we stop living in the past or ripping it apart and just let it all go? My mother taught me that and it is my way. Stop punishing others and don't hold grudges. Live and love madly and enjoy what you have.
Maybe that is why my father does this. He hates I am so much like her and tries to fuck with me. This is why my mother and he are not together. Because of the controlling head games and she could not take it. I don't want to live my life being bitter like him. Move on. Forget my wounds from other people. The world is fucked up but there are a few good souls and I will not find them if I am like that. My mistakes are not faults but just lessons and scars are sometimes good. Stop worrying about why I was so dumb..It is over. I only have now. I want to live till I am old but I could die tomorrow in theory. So stop thinking about it.
Dad I forgive you for not being around through my teenage years. For not watching me graduate 15th out of over 300 kids. For all the other things also. I am sorry I did some stupid things as a young adult. I am happy you along with others got my head on straight. I am still struggling to be what I want. But stop making me feel like a loser for those mistakes. They are not so unique

So wish me luck.
Happy fourth everyone.
There is a bottle of Stoli with my name on it should common sense fail.

"People say that your dreams are the only things that save ya.."

2006-07-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

Did I ever mention I was moody? How I went from feeling secure OK and happy with my place in the world to the desire to tell everyone save a couple members of my family and maybe two of my closest friends to go away and then run in my room and cry?? I do not know. Other than I am forced to live in this body/mind that always tortures me. I just all of a sudden feel like a fell down and hard. Like I did when I was a stupid kid trying to ride a skateboard or bike and fell. But now I am a big girl and a band-aid and a nice cold drink will not fix it. OK maybe a few shots of something cold will...

Maybe it is the hormones again. Maybe it is the the dread of my brother's arrival and my father's birthday wishes.

Maybe, I don't know

make it stop, make it stop.

In other news I present you a picture of myself with my boyfriend

Tall, strong, and full of energy. Makes me all warm inside and is always there
What else can I ask for
He doesn't talk back either. Or solicit me for favors and such.

I thought I told myself alcohol and guys were the devil and I need to avoid both cause they give me nothing but trouble.
Well Stoli makes up one half of that equation going to pot...
now let me see how I can fend off the other half.

Again does anybody read this bullshit?
Bethy, you don't have to answer that one sweetie, but any other lurkers speak the eff up now.

when everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive

2006-07-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

Your Life: The Soundtrack
Opening credits: Street Spirit(Fade Out) Radiohead
Waking up: Rebellion(Lies) The Arcade Fire
Average day: Head On-Jesus and the Mary Chain
First date: This Charming Man-The Smiths
Falling in love: So Alive-Ryan Adams
Love scene: Public Pervert-Interpol
Fight scene: Pale Shelter-Tears for Fears
Breaking up: Superstar-Sonic Youth (cover)
Getting back together: If You Leave-OMD
Secret love: Colorblind-Counting Crows
Life's okay: My Coco-Stellastarr*
Mental breakdown: Just-Radiohead
Driving: Dramamine-Modest Mouse
Learning a lesson: Extraordinary Machine-Fiona Apple
Deep thought: Paranoid Android-Radiohead
Flashback: All These Things I Have Done-The Killers
Partying: Elevate My Mind-Stereo MCs
Happy dance: I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor-Arctic Monkeys
Regreting: The Scientist-Coldplay
Long night alone: Still In Love Song-The Stills
Death scene: Love Will Tear Us Apart-Joy Division
Closing credits: Night Like This-The Cure

"And there's nothing wrong with me, this is how I am suppossed to be.."

2006-07-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me..

I may add numbers but I plan on being forever young at heart. As you can see adulthood is overrated

The best birthday present I received is the realization I have the best friends ever

screw car troubles, insecurities/self deprecation, work stresses and everything else

I am lucky to have cool people in my life.
Thank you one and all for coming along for the ride.

"not just another drop in the ocean..."

2006-06-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

I woke this morning..or rather gave up on trying to sleep and stumbled down to the computer per usual. I found my inbox at myspace flooded with messages and comments to be approved and it is not even Sunday yet.
As much as my birthday launches me even deeper into an introspective state, I suddenly was almost overwhelmed. How is it so many people; some I know well..others perhaps more distantly have so much feeling for me? Silly little me. Misfit me. Ever disenchanted little me.
It did feel good I will admit. To at least think if nothing else my being means something to people out there..out here..hell anywhere. I feel so tragic and small and frustrated despite my age. So honestly from the bottom of my fractured little heart thank you everyone. Really..the feeling is mutual. I will always try to be the best for you and never let you down.

I don't care if it hurts....I want to have control

2006-06-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

First of all does anyone read this other than myself? So I know I only got a blogger to keep up with Maria and Bethanne, Josh and now a few others, but I want to know..so if you do speak up! I try to post in my livejournal as well..but sometimes this is easier. Not to mention I am hungry for a new audience. Oh me oh my poisioning the Internet yet again..

anyhow...the subject line...the Radiohead lyric
I don't care if it hurts I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul

I once had a notebook/diary with that scribbled on the cover. And in that little book I journaled my pursuit of perfection..in every sense of the word. Be a smarter person. Look beautiful. Make that look perfect. Whatever that means. Be a good person to your family. And so on and so on.
Of course with me nothing was ever enough.

Then along came a certain someone and that damn notebook got buried away. All of my dreams and such were on the back burner as doing or allowing my arm to be twisted time and again took charge.

And then I broke free...and I went the other way. Lack of control. Out of control. Then came the drinking, and the pills.

Now here I am again. Unstable, unsure. A few days from my birthday evaluating where I am. Sort of lost and child-like. Trying to not be too down on myself. Hell I still was an honor student. Even if I have nothing to show.
People seem to like me...even though I fear them cause or said past toxic relationships.
It will all fall into place, right? Eventually. Or will I forever run in circles.

Anyone, anyone...Bueller?

spin spin sugar

2006-06-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

For a better part of the afternoon I played with a cheap hula hoop. Round and round and round it went frolicking around my small waist. Wow did I really just keep that thing going for ten mintues at a time???
I watched my shadow with fascination. It looked so child-like. Sort of fitting, seeing at that very moment I felt very lost and helpless. And perhaps my only way of gaining some control and stength in my adulthood was to embrace that inner spirit.
I doubt a child would sing Radiohead at the top of her lungs while keeping time with the spinning hoop. Well maybe I would have, if they had existed back then. I mean I did listen to the Beatles and Johnny Cash as well as other random things I picked up from Mom.
The more I try to feel secure and adult, the more frail and child-like I feel. With the exception of the jaded eyes I watch the world through.

spin spin spin.

I hate my job. No I don't hate my job in and of itself, I hate the real world and the real world bullshit that I cannot take at times. Like today. Yesterday was expensive but it was also a respite.

in the waiting room

2006-06-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

The problem with missing even one day of work as I did yesterday, is that my body so easily falls out of the damn routine. I will admit if was very nice yesterday to just go for a walk, and sit outside for a bit. To slow down and to have the world to myself. For the most part people were at work so things were quiet. And even the house had a different sensation than it does when I am at home on the weekend.
And so dragging myself out of bed at the beckoning of the damn alarm was no easy task.
Making it throught the day will be even harder. Especially if my work is even more crazy than it would have been had I not missed it.

I wish there was a way to survive and lead a productive and good life without the insanity. As childish or crazy and idealistic as it seems I really do. Maybe I could truly enjoy the little things just a bit more. Just maybe..

Sometimes I hear "Waiting Room" by Fugazi playing in my head. Even if I have not heard that song in awhile. I often feel like I am trapped in some damn holding pattern waiting for something to happen, however I do not know what that is exactly. So I cannot make it happen or seek it if I do not know this, correct? Or I feel as though I have a huge void and again I do not know what it is...so I continue to seek other things and find imperfections and blame them.
I just wish I could break out of this...and fast...So that it did not always sort of linger in the back of my mind, even on good days..

You do it to yourself, you do....And that's what really hurts

2006-06-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

Do not worry about things you cannot control!!!
Do not worry about things you cannot control!!

How many damn times do I tell myself that?
Or do other people tell me this??

Yes how many times do I continue to worry myself into a frenzy.
Monday mornings...never a fun concept. Monday mornings when the car will not start and you have to deal with that rather than the expected routine...all the more painful.

Why did I feel so bad about missing work? Only my second day in over a year. Why could not not just enjoy the day and the sunshine and make the most of out the unexpected free time? Why did I sit around fretting about what they would think, what would happen, wondeing if my desk was being messed with?
Cause I need a switch to turn off my silly crazy head. And I lack that.

Or I need someone that really understands how I feel and will neither lecture nor patronize me nor baby me. Just someone that does this same crazy shit and I can talk to and feel a bit better.
Normal people do not do this to themselves

less than a week now...another birthday...what have I accomplished? What do I mean to people and the world...

I did find time to hula hoop...for almost 10 minutes my little waist kept it going

angry Shel

this is what you get when you mess with us

2006-06-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

I am 1/3 of

Team Bitches Get Stiches Brigade:

-too much work releated bullshit + birthday dread + lack of sleep + lack of caffeine= angry, surly, ready to fight Shelby

Just so ya know...

I fear that I'm ordinary, just like everyone

2006-06-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

Supposedly I am popular. Or I have an ability to captivate people. To draw them in.
If I do I neither understand it, nor know what to do with it.
Why me? I am not that special? I fear being ordinary and average more than..well the average person yet despite all my efforts to stand out. Inside and out.

And is that not the tragedy of it all...While most people dream of popularity as I once did..now that is knocks on my door I try and put up the pad-lock/dead bolt.
I do not want to be lonely or alone. And my self esteem could always use a boost.
But sometimes it makes no sense and I just cannot handle it.

and oh sleep...peaceful sweet unmolested sleep why do you evade me?

I'll bring you when my lifeboat sails through the night

2006-06-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

No big secret that I have not been able to sleep lately. When I say lately I mean the past few months. The only time I really sleep is on the weekends between the hours of like 4-9AM when my body just plain gives out.

I have been trying to resist the pattern of running downstairs to check my damn email/blogs/myspace a million and one time and keep a journal under my pillow instead. Hoping that perhaps writing will offer some sort of relief.
I went back through my livejournal through entries I have bookmarked to find things I have written in the past when I could not sleep.

Perhaps this time I am to blame
For the silent tears that fall
As I did not refrain
From taking your latest call,
I took the time to see you,
Heeding your request,
Ignoring the better urging
Of my overbearing conscience,
To create necessary distance,
In every shape and form
Instead of seeking shelter
I walk right into the storm
I like to play with matches
I am not afraid of fire
Even if I know not what
In those flames,
It is I truly desire
Be you near or far
Your presence penetrates,
Like a pebble in the water
My pain reverberates

circa 2-3AM sometime in 2003.

Thing is right now it is not so much a who keeping me awake. Of course it is really a what either. I cannot pinpoint the beginning or the end.
Therefore I cannot even make some sort of poetic madness from my...madness..
Making me all the more frustrated and torn up. I need my little addictions. I gave up drinking and all the crap that goes with it. Just like that.
I have resisted the suggestion I take up exercise again simply cause in the past once again it was something I took to the extreme. I am already self concsious and body paranoid as it is. I need to be a bit more solid before I play with that again.
So I try to turn to writing. The one drug/addiction I have that is cathartic and healthy. But I cannot find the words for what I am feeling. Even words I do not find especially eloquent. In retropsect I no longer find the writing above especially clever. At one point I did. However I still appreciate it.

As disdainful as it may be. I do not know if I hate the poem above so much in and of itself or if I resent what fueled it.

And yes even my blogs suck cause I cannot focus these days to make them flow.
Or who fueled it.

oh yeah, I have a journal here too.

2006-06-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

I just remembered I have a blog here...
Poor Internet..more me and my ramblings again..

I hate TV more and more all the time.
Specifically I hate commercials more and more all the time.
I do not know what marketing genius thought it was necessary to broadcast commercials for things such as feminine hygiene products as well as mini infomercials for erectile dysfunction during the typical dinner hour, but he or she should be out of the job.

I don't know but hardly feel is complimentary to a peaceful easy stomach. Or good for quality "family" conversation. I though we still had that Puritan code of work and moral conduct looming over our heads. I would rather mock that to be honest.

But I may be on to something. Since everyone is on a diet and looking for a new scheme, well there you have it. Just turn on the TV. Or record those commercials. You won't want to eat and it will be a hell of a lot cheaper than any pills, or than a gym membership.
We Americans are quite lazy, and I found a solution to at least this problem.
Killing all of the birds with one stone. Getting what you want without really trying.

it is October, please send Billie Joe Armstrong a wake up call...

2005-10-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I haven't updated this thing in awhile...Does anybody read this shite anyhow....hmm did not think so...blogger...el jay..mywhorespace...too much pressure to lead a full multi-online life...

my hair is getting long....seriously this is as picture proves:

::wrinkles nose....points to pictures above this entry:::
I swear if I ever take a picture I do not dislike at least at some level I will die on the spot. I specialize in being nonphotogenic
And yes that is lambchop on my purse...
Yes I bought that from Hot Topic
I know I am going to hell. If I wasn't already that may seal the deal.

Some guy came up to me in Target today and said
"wow you look and dress a lot like my daughter"
This after gawking at me and tailing me around the health and beauty for a few minutes
I am a million kinds of disgusted and upset...but then again this is my life and I am destined to suffer this way. Obviously due to something I did wrong in a previous life..

Tanforan Mall reopens this week...This makes me happy, not just cause hello shopping, but that mall has a part of my childhood in it...I was sad when it closed simply because of that...My brother and I used to run around JCPenney jumping on the beds driving my poor Mom crazy.

Trying to organize my room and continuing to fail in a most miserable fashion is bringing on the panic attacks like you have no idea...

"precious and fragile things, need special handling.."

2005-09-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

What is up internet world? Have I mentioned I love fall?? Screw all the other seasons. Being able to wear cute, fashionable clothing and neither sweat nor freeze is bliss..

and I am the biggest nerd ever?

2005-09-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

Just what I need. Another blog? Amirite or amirite. Yet another way for the masses to stalk me and yet another distraction from other things I should be doing. Like work. Screw that. Damn puritan work ethic. I want to fully embrace the 90's slacker ethic.
Well and I need this to keep pace with Maria dearest, since I do not see her often enough.

My livejournal will always be number one, but maybe I will find some more people to put up with my bullshit over here as well.

Did I mention I really do not want to be at work today? Where did the weekend go? Or this year for that matter. I thought (as a famous song once told me) time goes by so slowly?? Bull fucking shit.
It goes by way too fast if you ask me.
Last night, in need of alka seltzer to quiet my bloated tummy, I walked to the AM/PM market in nothing but a wife beater tank top, skimpy PJ pants and flip flops. Cause I honestly could have cared less and was too lazy to get dressed and drive to Safeway(not to mention use any gas I did not have to)

I should have gotten my meds for free for such gratiuitous cleavage display. Seriously though.
I did post the pictures of my silly behavior on my primary blog, and my usual suspects; ie male friends on my list quickly commented and stroked my ego
All is normal in the universe once again. As much as it can be.